Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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