Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
