Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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