i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
