What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
