we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's blow job season.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
