i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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