I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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