As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
