You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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