I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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