The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
soo... how was my night?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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