Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
