we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
