I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Randomize
