A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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