i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
