He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
