you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
