the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
