they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize