New low: just hacked my moms facebook
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
