just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
