Jerry, you need to find god
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
