TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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