it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
