I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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