Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
