I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize