put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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