I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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