dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
