So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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