my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
