she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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