Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize