i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
