Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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