Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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