so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
