Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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