Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
