Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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