I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
