why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
