It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
