Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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