I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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