I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
