I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
