i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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