A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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