sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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