Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
