I wish I only lived at night.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
