i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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