i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
