is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
