he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
