I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
