Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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