Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
