i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
