yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
