I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
