is your mom at the bar?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize