I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
